


drowning in your fear

by A Magiluna Stormwriter (ariestess)



Series: Annealed [5]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Family Feels, Family Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-31
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:05:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariestess/pseuds/A%20Magiluna%20Stormwriter
Summary: Sometimes what feels like a good idea in the moment ends up being the worst thing you could ever do in hindsight.





	drowning in your fear

**Author's Note:**

> Date Written: 31 August 2017  
> Word Count: 4320  
> Recipient: [](http://twitter.com/trinaadeckers)[](http://twitter.com/trinaadeckers)**trinaadeckers**  
>  Prompt: I'm trash for angst...so maybe regina and mal argue and don't speak for a day or two. but of course they uh...makeup  
> Summary: Sometimes what feels like a good idea in the moment ends up being the worst thing you could ever do in hindsight.  
> Spoilers: Pre-series canon divergent AU of the entire series, but anything we know about Regina & Maleficent still holds mostly true.  
> Warnings: No standard warnings apply.  
> Series: Annealed  
> Website: ShatterStorm Productions – Doggie Duo  
> Link to: <http://bdkk.shatterstorm.net/>  
> Archive: ShatterStorm Productions & AO3 only…all others ask for permission & we'll see…  
> Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> Author’s Disclaimer: "Once Upon a Time," the characters, and situations depicted are the property of Adam Horowitz, Edward Kitsis, Kitsis/Horowitz, and ABC Studios. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. This site is in no way affiliated with "Once Upon a Time," ABC, or any representatives of the actors.
> 
> Author’s Notes: This fic is entirely trinaadeckers' fault. She may well be my biggest Annealed fan, and I had promised her an update to the series this month. When I asked her for a prompt and she gave me this one, she also said, " Look as long as my emotions are fucked to hell and back I don't care lol" when I asked her where in the series she wanted this to happen. I believe one of my tweets in response was something about Mal saying "Hold my beer" to the angst request. LOL! The title of this fic is from "Lost at Sea" by In This Moment, which played a total of 32 times in a row while I was writing a large chunk of this fic. In This Moment already makes me think if Mal on a good day, and now this particular song may well be permanently embedded in this AU. And yes, for the record, there's going to be a companion piece from Regina's POV. And I apologize for forgetting the smut of making up here. I'll owe you that in the companion piece.
> 
> Dedication: My muses, as usual…
> 
> Beta: theonlyspl, but any remaining errors are solely on me…

"Where in the hell is he?"

Mal looks up from her inventorying to see Regina stalking into the room. The dark cloud of anger practically swirling around her feels more real than anything she's felt in a while now. Taking a deep breath, she moves to placate her lover.

"Shh!" she hisses, eyes searching that beloved face. "What's wrong?"

"You know damned well what's wrong, _Malinda_! Where is my son?"

Sometimes what feels like a good idea in the moment ends up being the worst thing you could ever do in hindsight. Mal realizes this scant seconds after she rolls her eyes at Regina. There is real murderous intent in her lover's dark eyes.

"Please, Regina, he's sleeping over on the futon. He got tuckered out, so I figured I'd let him sleep and get some inventory done at the same time. Two birds, one stone."

Regina spares a quick glance over at the futon, face softening as she sees the little boy peacefully sprawled out, dead to the world. When she returns her gaze to Mal, the anger returns. "What is he doing here?"

That makes Mal pause, frowning in confusion. "I don't understand your question."

_Wrong answer._

"Let me rephrase it to you in short, simple words that you'll understand. Why is my son here and not at my office?"

"Regina--"

"I went to pick him up after school, like I always do on Thursdays, and found out that his stepmother signed him out less than an hour after I'd dropped him off this morning. Care to explain why you kidnapped my son?"

"Kidnap--" Mal asks, then narrows her eyes. "Your son? _Your_ son? When did he become _your_ son, Regina? I thought he was _our_ son to raise together?"

"You didn't want your name on the official adoption records, remember, Malinda? So he's my son."

"You know I hate it when you call me Malinda, _Your Majesty_." Mal knows better than to feed into whatever has pissed off Regina, but sometimes she can't help herself. "And I told you why I was nervous about the adoption records six years ago when you first asked me. Have you seriously been holding this over my head all these years?"

"You had no right to take my son out of school, Mal. Especially without telling me. I was worried sick when he didn't show up at my office, and then I find out that you'd taken him? What the hell were you thinking?"

Mal starts to laugh, a low, dangerous sound. "You're so bound and determined to be the only one in his life, aren't you? Have you forgotten, _Madam Mayor_ , that you signed paperwork at the school to allow me to be his guardian, too? That you wanted Henry to know from day one that he always had two people that loved him and would take care of him?" She looks over at the sleeping boy, wishing she could redo the events of the day. Taking a deep breath, she looks back at Regina. "Look, I'm sorry that I worried you. I know you've been stressed about the budgetary meetings, so I wanted to do something special for you."

Regina shakes her head, still angry. "You had no right. You know how much I want him to have a good education."

"Henry is six years old and in first grade. He's barely even begun to learn to write and read. It's one day to have fun and do a little shopping with my favorite guy."

"You didn't even take him out for something educational?" Regina throws her hands up in the air. "That's it. This is ridiculous."

"Yes, it is," Mal says with a smile. "I'm glad you see that it's foolish to overreact so--"

"I'm _not_ overreacting, Malinda."

"Stop using my full name!"

Both of them freeze, staring as Henry moans and shifts on the futon. When he settles, but doesn't wake up, Mal looks back at Regina to see nothing but disgust in her eyes. Regina moves to grab Henry's backpack and jacket, now not meeting Mal's gaze. When she moves to scoop the boy into her arms gently, Mal feels the blood in her veins go sluggish.

"Regina, what are you doing?"

"Since you clearly have no respect for me as a mother or as a person, I think it's time that we face facts. You and I are clearly not suited to this. You know that I want stability for Henry, and your unwillingness to even let me make you his legal guardian just proves that we can't--"

"No! Kitten, don't do this! Please let me explain!"

Regina settles Henry against her shoulder, rocking him gently, then turns toward the door. She pointedly won't meet Mal's frantic gaze.

"Don't call me that," she says softly, and Mal can hear the pain lacing the angry tone. "Please pack up anything of mine or Henry's and have it ready tomorrow morning. I'll gather up your things from the house tonight. After I've dropped him off at school and removed you from his records, I'll bring your things here. I expect to get ours back at that time. Goodbye, Malinda."

Mal chokes on the lump in her throat. "Kitten, _please_ don't do this! This was all a big misunderstanding. I'm sorry."

Regina says nothing and keeps walking out. She pauses at the door, turning sideways but not meeting her gaze. "I'll need the house key back, too." Her voice is thick with unshed tears, Mal knows that sound well. And then she walks out of the studio and out of Mal's life.

Mal wants to run after Regina, wants to grab her by the shoulders, spin her around, and kiss the anger and hurt away. She wants to set up the little camp mattress for Henry to sleep on, then show Regina just how much she loves her. But all she can do is stand there, frozen in place with tears falling unhindered down her cheeks as she hears the Mercedes rev to life and drive away, taking away this family that she's found.

*****

An hour after Regina has walked out of her life, Mal is still standing in that same spot. The tears still make their way down her grief-stricken face from eyes that burn like the coals in her furnace. She keeps praying Regina will turn around and come back, that they can talk through this, that her girlfriend and their son aren't gone for good. But the longer she stands there, the more she realizes that she's just lost the best things in her life and likely will never get them back.

Her hand finds its way into her pocket and the small jewelry box there. Pulling it out of her pocket, she snaps it open to stare at the four gems together in the shape of a heart nestled in purest silver: a pair of topazes and a peridot with a tiny sapphire in the center of the heart. She had hoped Regina would understand the significance of the gems, and had planned to give it to her after dinner. Before she realizes what she's doing, the box snaps shut and goes flying across the studio as she lets out a bloodcurdling howl of pain.

The screams keep coming until she loses her voice completely and crumples into a heap on the floor. It takes longer than she can comprehend before she crawls over to where the ring landed and finds it. Still on her knees, she makes her way back to the futon and fishes out the t-shirt that Regina had slept in the last time she and Henry spent the night. Cradling the shirt and box to her chest, Mal passes out into an exhausted sleep, riddled with nightmares that she can't remember upon waking, and misses Regina even more because only Regina could soothe her after the horrifying night terrors that plague her off and on.

*****

At eight fifteen the next morning, Mal wakes up to the sound of banging on the back door to the studio. Opening her eyes is a Herculean feat in and of itself, and that doesn't bring into play her utter inability to focus on anything or the splitting headache that she wishes would just kill her and get it over with. There's a moment or two of silence before the banging starts anew. This time, it's accompanied by what sounds like a sharp kick to the door, followed by a loud thud. Less than a minute later, she hears the familiar engine revving and the squealing of tires.

Mal lies there for a while, barely even breathing, hoping against hope that she'll hear that engine again. When twenty minutes have passed without any noise outside, she gets up slowly and shuffles to the door. It takes a couple of tries to get the boxes lifted and into the building. She carries each one to the futon. Tucked into the top of one of the boxes is a piece of paper that has _"Answer your fucking phone"_ written on it in Regina's distinctively precise handwriting. Reaching for said phone, she sees that its battery has died, so plugs it into the charger. Waiting for it to charge enough to turn on, she opens the first box. At the top are the clothes she'd bought Henry yesterday while on their day of playing hooky.

Mal takes her time unpacking the boxes, touching or smelling each item because of its association to Regina. Even the glass they'd made so many years ago together, Regina's first piece ever made, is in the first box, along with every other gift Mal had ever given her or Henry, minus two. The stuffed dragon Mal had bought for Henry on the day he came home with Regina from Boston. And the apple paperweight that Mal had made for Regina on the same day that the glass had been created. Looking in the second box, she sees a Tupperware container and frowns. Upon picking it up, she hears a telltale sign and her heart breaks. She doesn't even need to open it to verify.

The apple is shattered into little pieces.

That hurts even more than the rest of the items in the boxes. The day they'd made it remains one of the dearest in Mal's heart, and now it's been destroyed. She's not sure why the tumbler remained intact, and she doubts she'll ever get an explanation.

Turning on her phone, she waits for the text messages to start rolling in, each increasing in vitriol aimed at her. There have to be forty or fifty messages in total, and Mal forces herself to read each one, no matter how badly it hurts. They go back to about two hours after Regina had left the day before until just a few minutes after Regina had left this morning. When she's done, she just shuts her phone off again and passes out again, this time the Tupperware container joins the shirt and ring box clutched desperately to her chest.

*****

For three days, Mal doesn't bother to leave the studio. That first day, she unplugged the business line from the wall and shut off her cellphone. Thanks to Regina, the fridge and freezer have always been well stocked, so she has enough food and beer to last a couple of weeks at least. Given that she has absolutely no appetite, the frozen and non-perishables will last even longer. She cooks the raw meat and tosses it out to the stray cats that have adopted her into their tribe. She couldn't care less if she dies at this point, but she'll be damned if her feline friends go hungry when she can still help them.

The beer goes a long way toward blunting the worst of the pain, keeping her comfortably unconscious much of the time. And the tears dried up somewhere on the second day, because beer isn't a good way to keep yourself hydrated. At least the night terrors aren't as debilitating if she's not sober enough to wake up and realize what's happened.

Or that's what she tells herself.

There are no more texts beyond one sent the afternoon of that first day that tells her in no uncertain terms that she can keep anything of Regina's and Henry's and that the locks at the mansion have been changed. By the third day, she doesn't even bother to turn the phone on anymore.

*****

"Mal?"

The sound of her name breaks into the drunken haze of sleep, so soft and distant that she thinks it's another of the night terrors. She pulls the pillow over her head with one hand, pressing it to her ear tightly, the other still clutching her precious treasures.

"Mal, please wake up."

That sounds like Regina.

"Please, Mal, you're scaring me."

That sounds _a lot_ like Regina. And she's crying? No, that's not possible. Regina wants nothing to do with her. She's hallucinating. When the room stops spinning, she'll get up and get another beer to numb her into oblivion again.

Why is she suddenly craving sea water?

"Damn it, Malinda Zmaj! If you die on me, I'll never forgive you. Do I need to call the ambulance?"

The pillow is ripped from her face, and she feels something wet hit her cheek. How in the hell is it raining inside? It takes far too long in her muddled state to realize that those aren't raindrops, but tears. Her stomach lurches at the thought of Regina crying over her.

_Did I really die? Is this some cruel purgatory joke on me?_

A gentle hand strokes her hair. Without realizing it, Mal leans into the touch, craving the small inferno of warmth it leaves on her scalp.

"Mal? Come on, darling. Please open your eyes and let me know you're okay."

The plaintive pleading is what erodes any resolve Mal might have. It takes several tries, but her eyes finally peel open slowly, making her groan in pain. Focusing on anything is headache-inducing, but she blinks repeatedly until she can make out the fuzzy outline of Regina's face in front of hers.

"R-R'gina?" The word is garbled, mouth dry and throat feeling like she swallowed a million lemon juice-laced razor blades, but the relief on Regina' s hazy face is reward enough to try swallowing and speaking again. "Wha're ya here?"

Before she can take another breath, her body lurches forward, pulled into a tight hug by Regina. Her right cheek is pressed to Regina's chest, the rapid staccato of her heart thundering in Mal's ear. A dark curtain obscures her view briefly; belatedly she realizes it's Regina's hair.

"Oh thank god, you're okay!" The relief in her voice is enough to make Mal's eyes burn with the effort to produce tears that won't come. "I'm sorry," she whispers over and over, rocking back and forth for several moments.

Mal takes the time to slowly acclimate herself to intentional consciousness again. Her body aches all over and she's exhausted beyond belief. She extends a shaking hand to glide up Regina's arm to touch her cheek, praying that this isn't truly a hallucination. "Kitten?" she asks tentatively, not sure if she can even use that endearment anymore.

That just makes Regina cry even harder, body shaking with each wracking sob. Ignoring the pain lancing through her body, Mal forces herself to sit up and pull Regina into an embrace. "Shh," she murmurs. "I'm here. Drunk, but I'll live."

"I'm so sorry," Regina says, clinging to her body. "I didn't mean it."

 _That_ gets the tears falling, and Mal tightens her grip. They sit there for several minutes, just crying and holding each other, surrounded by the contents of the two boxes and more beer bottles than Mal wants to count. There is no way in hell she should be alive right now, let alone conscious, but she is. Clearly there is some higher purpose to which her life is dedicated.

And then her stomach lurches again, as if her body has remembered just what kind of abuse she's put it through in the past days. With fumbling urgency, she tries to get up, but Regina clings like a burr to her side.

"Kitten, I gotta puke. I don't want to hit you."

With difficulty, Regina and Mal make their way across the studio to the bathroom with barely enough time for Mal to crash to her knees in front of the toilet, heaving up the contents of her stomach, mostly bile. Regina kneels next to her, holding back her hair and stroking her back. There are words being spoken, but Mal can't make out any of them over her own retching. When her body finally stills from the dry heaves, she carefully leans back on her heels to breathe slowly and deeply. Her eyes are closed, but she can feel the tear tracks on her cheeks mixing with the sweat slicking her skin.

"Let me die," she mutters brokenly as Regina gently wipes her face with a damp cloth.

" _No!_ Don't you dare talk like that, Malinda Zmaj!"

"Why are you here, Regina?" she finally asks, studying her face. "You made it pretty clear however many days ago it was that you were done with me. So why are you here now? Have you finally come to take your shit and get your key back? Wanna shut down my shop while you're at it? I mean, if you're gonna do that, then just let me die in some semblance of peace."

"Mal, no!"

Regina grips her chin tightly, forcing Mal to take a better look at her. She can see the dark bags under her bloodshot eyes, making her olive skin look sallow and sickly. And are those crow's feet pinching around her eyes? The only time Mal's ever seen Regina look even vaguely this bad was when Henry got so horribly sick around his first birthday. Regina hadn't slept for days on end, taking care of their baby boy. How long has she been unconscious now?

"Answer my question, Regina." She takes a deep breath and pushes to her feet unsteadily. Grabbing the glass by the sink, she fills it with water and rinses out her mouth before taking the time to brush her teeth. It goes a long way to feeling infinitesimally better, but Regina remains quiet until she's done.

"I--" Regina's voice cracks alarmingly on that one word and she coughs to clear her throat. "I came to beg you to give me another chance."

Mal stares at her then, heart fluttering at the thought of getting her lover, her family back. "If this is some sick game to you--"

"It's not! Mal, I swear it's not a game or a trick. I fucked up and I will do whatever it takes for you to give me a second chance here. Please let me explain?"

"You're damned right you're gonna explain," Mal growls at her, anger overwhelming the pain for the first time in days. She turns around and stalks back to the futon, shifting the boxes aside, and pulls the three items back into her lap as she crosses her legs, not wanting them far from her sight or touch.

Regina follows her, pausing long enough to turn into the kitchen area to pour two glasses of water, which she brings over to the futon. Offering one to Mal, she sits next to her and reaches out to touch the Tupperware container briefly.

"I can't believe I destroyed that apple," she finally whispers, tears filling her eyes again. "You made that for me so many years ago. It's been one of my most treasured possessions."

Mal wants to say something but stays quiet, letting Regina explain herself. But when she is quiet for several minutes, Mal finally sighs and asks, "What the fuck did I do so wrong that you threw me and all of our years together away like that? Was it seriously because I let Henry play hooky one time?"

"I--"

"You sent back all of the new clothes I bought him, Regina! He was so proud of himself because I let him pick them out. Did you know that? Every single piece of clothing in his backpack was something _he_ chose, not me."

"H-He told me as much," she mumbles, then clears her throat again. "I don't know what happened. I expected him to be dropped off in front of Town Hall. When he didn't come into my office, I went over to the school to get him. I was terrified something happened to him. I just-- I saw red when that mousy secretary told me what happened. She'd implied that I should know about what happened, and I didn't."

"It was supposed to be a surprise for you," Mal says softly, fingers going white as she clutches the small jewelry box in her hand again.

"Henry told me that. He's been miserable without you." She pauses and looks down at the glass in her hand. "So have I."

"You could've fooled me, Regina. I still have all those texts you sent me and the note you left with the boxes. You were pretty clear that you were done with me, and you never once let me even _try_ to explain what happened. You just swooped in here, all righteous anger, blamed me for everything, and then you took my family away from me." Mal's voice breaks on those last words, the ache in her chest bending her over in its intensity. "Do you know how much it hurt to have my own insecurities thrown back in my face _despite_ all the work I've done these past six years to work through them?"

"That was beyond reproach, and I will never be able to apologize enough for that, Mal. I'm so sorry."

"I need more than apologies, Regina. I need my family back or I need you to do what you said and never come back here again. If I have to, I'll leave town. I can start over somewhere else."

Regina sets aside her glass to wrap her arms around Mal tightly. "No! Mal, please don't leave. I cannot apologize enough for what I did, but I am willing to work on not repeating it if you'll just give me another chance."

Mal stares at Regina, reads the sincerity in her eyes. "One more chance, Regina. If you do that again…"

Regina nods and hugs her more tightly. "I promise, Mal, it won't happen again."

Wrapping her own arms around Regina, Mal is quiet for a long moment, just drinking in the nearness of her lover again. "What changed your mind?" she finally asks softly, unable to ignore the need to know.

"Henry has been inconsolable for the last three days since he woke up in his own bed that day that I left. He got sent home early from school on Friday because he was so upset. He's been sobbing and calling for you all weekend long."

"So it's been three days?"

Regina nods again. "Have you-- You've been drinking this whole time? Have you eaten anything?"

Mal shrugs and drops her gaze. "I'm not even sure how I'm alive with all the beer I drank. The feral tribe got all the raw meat in the fridge. I cooked that up for them, but I had no appetite." As if on cue, her stomach rumbles.

"We need to get you fed," Regina replies softly. "I can make lasagna if you want to come back to the house and see Henry. We can bring these things back with us."

"You're sure?"

Regina is quiet for a long moment, then nods and starts to put the items back in the boxes that she'd packed three days prior. She pauses as she looks at the items in Mal's hands. Mal hands her the Tupperware container and the shirt, the small box still clutched tightly in her fist.

"Before we go, I need to explain something to you. The reason I took Henry the other day is so we could pick this up. It was our special secret surprise." She uncurls her fingers to reveal the black velvet box. "I'd wanted to do this for your birthday, but there was an issue with getting it made."

With trembling fingers, Regina opens the box to see the silver and gemstone pendant on a delicate chain. Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears when she looks up at Mal. "Is this--?"

Mal points to each stone as she explains, "The two topazes are for our birthdays. The peridot is for Henry's birthday." She swallows thickly against the lump in her throat. "The sapphire is for the day you adopted Henry and we became a family."

Regina makes a sound that's half hiccup, half sob, and strokes the pendant gently. "W-Will you put it on me?"

Without hesitation, Mal pulls the necklace from the box and settles it around Regina's neck before clasping it shut. She adjusts it to rest perfectly on her chest, then smiles. "It's exactly where I envisioned it to sit."

"I love you, Mal," Regina whispers and cups Mal's cheek before kissing her.

Mal pours all of her love for Regina into the kiss, feeling the same from her lover. Eventually, she pulls back to rest her forehead against Regina's. "I love you, too, Kitten. You and Henry are my entire world. I felt so lost without you these past three days."

"Never again," Regina whispers vehemently. "I will deal with my issues and be the anchor that you and Henry both need, just as you are for me."

"Just take me home to see our boy, Regina. Please?"

Regina kisses her again, then stands up. "Let's get these boxes in the trunk then, my darling. Our son needs his Mally."

"His Mally needs him, too."


End file.
